My Happiness Project–My Take on it #Friendships

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My Happiness Project_DownshiftingPRO

This is my happiness Project. I have a really good friend.  She’s a new friend to me.  I met her a few years back but in the last year or so, we’ve become great friends.  She write a blog called Kickass Living and she has a a fun bucket list that I love.  We have similar views on many things and differ on others.  We both have children but we parent them differently. Not better or worse, just differently.  We compare notes on our daughters’ antics.  We are close in age (she finally turned 50 this year – whoo hoo -welcome to the club).

Kickass DownshiftingPRO AT Blissdom14

The reason, I’m telling you about her is because I’m reading a book called The Happiness Project.  It’s about creating a happier space for yourself and your life.   The author begins by defining her  12 Commandments (overreaching principles she calls them) to live by and a lengthy list of Secrets of Adulthood (truisms of lessons learned).  I’m not sure if this should be a commandment or a truism but  I believe God has put my friend in my life for a reason (it’s a hard and fast rule for me: God places people in your path for a reason… all you need to do is  ask yourself, why?).

Three Rules to Keeping Friends

Invest in your Happiness – Invest in your Friendships

As I read through the book, I see how Gretchen Rubin is basically becoming a change agent for herself.  Traits that she is not proud of or feels could be improved upon, how she relates to her husband and friends, how she processes events that impact her family were all under the microscope.  Some advice is great, some not my cup of tea but that will not stop me from sharing those pearls of wisdom that have resonated with me. 

My happiness projects includes investing in friendships.  A very impactful lesson for me was in chapter 6. It it, Rubin espouses the virtues of having friends, nurturing those friendships and making them count.  She talks about making a friendship special and making them an investment. These are relationships worth fighting for. She was also quick in reminding us that you can’t pick your family but you can certainly pick your friends.

Everyone from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers agrees that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness.

Gretchen Rubin – The Happiness Project

I have moved around a bit, I quickly learned that when you leave a place, it’s your responsibility to keep up those friendships.  If your friends have ‘stayed home’, their lives remain pretty much consistent: go to school or work, deal with the family, pay the bills and take an occasional vacation.  Life moves forward whether you are there or not. 

If, however, you go away, you have a tendency to meet new people, see new things, try new activities because it’s all ‘new to you’.  Everything is one big ball of adventure. If and when you return home, you’ll get back into the groove of your particular family and friendship group in your town.  It’s all good… if you had made an effort and keep in touch. It’s all about maintence.

Rubin suggests making birthdays special and celebrating milestones with your friends is an important habit to keep.  You have to give it to Facebook that maybe, just maybe, they read this chapter of Rubin’s book. Facebook always let’s you know when it’s one of your friend’s birthdays or special events, right? It also celebrates milestones in friendships (the day you became friends on FB and shows you pictures of the two of you together).

So keeping tabs of your friend’s birthday on FB is reason enough to love social media.  I love celebrating my birthday and look forward to the well wishes and salutations on that one special day a year! Even if friends are not always in touch, I like that a once a year they stop by and say hello. I believe even in a small way they want to be involved in my life.  The value of friendships does not have to be taxing.

Make New Friends – Find Common Interests

Another action item in The Happiness Project is to make three new friends when you find yourself in a new situation.  Find people that have common interest: a book club, blogging, volunteering in your community or travel.  In 2010 I joined a book club .  All of the women in the club were strangers to me.  They were friends of a friend.  Although the person that introduced me is no longer part of the club I remained and have made lasting, genuine friendships with these women.  As we add new members every few years, I have come to make new friends. 

Through one member, I participated in the Women’s March rally in Toronto in January.  She introduced me to some of her friends and the wheel keeps spinning round and round.

Womans March on Washington Canadian Support in Toronto

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.                                 

~ Gretchen Rubin

How else can you build friendships?  Find a common love.  Years ago, my husband and I bonded over food with two other couples.  We had a ‘gourmet night’ in which we would prepared food from around the world. We would challenge each other to make it interesting by preparing appealing dishes adding to a few laughs in our failures.  Some of the best times that I remember with those friends involved weird and wonderful meals (I’m sure the cocktails didn’t hurt either).  I have maintained my friendship with Peri (see the image below) even though we no longer live in same city or province.

10 Years of Friendship on Facebook @DownshiftingPRO
Facebook has nailed ‘remembering birthdays and special occasions’ with friends.

Another friendship that I value very much is one based on a common love of writing and traveling.  I have written before about my antics with Paula from Thrifty momma’s Tips and LinkedMoms.  We became friends over five years ago and as our blogs have evolved, so have our interests and our mutual love of travel. 

LinkedMoms Graphic

Paula and I have traveled to many conferences and recently spent time in the in Alabama. One of the highlights was being astronauts for a day at Space Camp. Being a good friend in that relationship means patience and understanding of strengths.  We have learned to play to our strengths. I’m really good at finding the right flights, hotels and organizing the trip.  She is really good about the work that is being a travel blogger: the tweeting, posting, sharing and follow-up. We work together on different projects and it has been fun working towards a common goal with clients.  We are off to Parkbridge with a bunch of other bloggers for the weekend.  Once again, making time for building and strengthening friendships is important.

Make Friendships a Priority

I decided I needed to make time for my friends and make them a priority.  I’ve driven 90 minutes to hang out with my friend Ann so we could have dinner together and catch up.  She needed me there to get through a tough day. I was happy I did it.  I wanted to show her what a true friend is like not a toxic friend.

For many years I have been friends with ‘the Lunch ladies’ we came together to serve hot lunches and attend school council meetings. We are a very eclectic group and I am not sure our paths would have crossed otherwise. But to this day, we get together at least twice if not three times a year to catch up on our lives, careers and of course the state of our now adult children. I value their friendship very much even though the ‘common denominator’ which was Ecole Frere Andre is no longer present.

I’m going to TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) to support two friends whose daughter has a film showing there.  This is my third trip to TIFF and I’m happy to be there for them in this special moment in their lives. I grew up with these two and they are very important to me.  I’m sharing my time so that they know, they are very special people in my life.

TIFF 2014_ Wet Bum Premiere_ Sue and Margarita_Friendship

Making friends is important for your whole life even as an adult.  It will make you a happier person – it does for me.  When I was dropping off my daughter at University, I had her read a particular passage in The Happiness Project on how to make new friends and open yourself up to friendship.  As she’s sharing a room with a complete stranger and meeting new people, I thought these suggestions would be very helpful (and a life lesson that I wanted her to absorb).

A Checklist for New Encounters

  • Smile more frequently – it helps open the door
  • Actively invite someone into a conversation – they maybe be new and need a little support
  • Create a positive mood – don’t be a debbie downer… kick toxic friendships to the curb!
  • Open a conversation – be prepare with current topics of interest – even the weather!
  • Try to look accessible and warm – body language speaks volumes –
  • Show  a vulnerable side and laugh at yourself-
  • Show a readiness to be pleased – accept a compliment, an invitation to dinner or a hand-me-down – making someone happy can bring you happiness (so don’t deny someone the opportunity to be happy)
  • Follow others’ conversational lead – actively listen in a conversation for a cue to an interest that they want to discuss

I have dealt deep into this topic that is friendship because I am evaluating what makes me happy.  Who makes me happy.  Who I make happy.  My happiness project is all encompassing. I have always placed a huge weight on the value of friendships.  I am an extrovert – friendships are, in effect, what defines me and gives me energy and hope.  Without my friends, I believe I would lead a boring, boring life.

To you all, I thank you for your friendship. May they continue to grow and age-well like a good bottle of wine. Which we will drink the next time we meet.

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I will continue on my happiness project. Next up:  Defining my Secrets of Adulthood rules…

FRIENDSHIPS My Happiness Project DownshiftingPRO
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Margarita Ibbott is a travel and lifestyle blogger. She blogs about travel in Canada, the United States and Europe giving practical advice through restaurant, hotel and attraction reviews. She writes for DownshiftingPRO.com and other online media outlets.

2 thoughts on “My Happiness Project–My Take on it #Friendships”

  1. I LOVE this post so much. Thanks for the mention my friend. I treasure you as a VERY good friend and love your family as well. You are bang on about several things in this post. I guess I need to read this book. You are a GREAT friend and you bring a lot of positivity to the world of friends that you have. I love that about you. Plus I think you just naturally sort of pay it forward without thought all the time. That is another great trait about you. Even when it means driving to Waterloo to meet with Ann or driving with me to Toronto for an event, with you doing the driving and me trying to keep up with some of the conversation, you are never afraid to give the extra needed sometimes to keep the friendship going. I think that is one of your greatest strengths and superpowers.

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